the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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