The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Still dying that you shit outside
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
