I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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