i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
