That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
