Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Damn victory sex feels great
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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