Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
