sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
