too bad you live with your parents still
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You are a genius and a whore.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
