if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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