how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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