I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
