How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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