i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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