I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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