I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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