My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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