the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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