I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there's paper in my vomit.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
