I just cut my nipple shaving
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
