Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
