Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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