Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
