For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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