I want to have your abortion
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
