I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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