wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
two words...techno handjob
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
