The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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