dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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