I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
