I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
