Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
