If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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