My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
