took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The air was thick with penises
I just blew my weed a kiss
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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