She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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