Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
