winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
