just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
