Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
