Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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