Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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