I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
