Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
