i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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