I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
