got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
