I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
