Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
