awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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