Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
