i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
