I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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