Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
